Dispatches from No Fun City

Driven to get a license

2007-12-12T21:35:00.000-08:00

It's time I came out and said it: I don't have a driver's license. It took me two tries to even spell it correctly.

I have heard countless times someone say "Oh..." when I tell them I do not drive. I have
stood at the bus stop as an endless line of single-occupancy vehicles inch past me, and I can feel the eyes of each motorist look me over with measured scorn. they KNOW. They know I am one of the Unworthy. One of the Unfit. If I were to sit behind the wheel of an automobile, I would undoubtedly KILL SOMEONE. I try to avoid eye contact with these Chosen people. Their scorn washes over me, and I know I deserve it.

In this age of Peak Oil, aging Baby Boomers, and lowered expectations, it's difficult to gauge
what makes a person a failure. A person who moves back in with parents is called a "boomerang kid." They are looked down on to be sure, but as their numbers expand, they are gaining grudging acceptance. CEOs of multinational companies can lose millions and millions of dollars and ruin the reputation of their corporations, but they receive enormous compensation packages and are quickly hired by another company.

There is one failure, however, that is unacceptable for a man in his 30s to admit to: failure to gain a driver's license.

I am uncertain how it came to pass that being permitted to operate a motor vehicle became a Measure of a Man, but for all of my adult life I have lived with the stigma.

I won't trouble you with a recounting of all of my aborted and half-assed attempts to gain my license in my younger years. it is suffice to say I did not get one.

But recently I have tried, and tried... and again tried to get my license. I have for the past year made more progress towards my license than the previous 32 combined. It's embarrassing to admit it, but it is only last year that I finally passed the Learners' exam.

Seems the best way to pass the vision test is to have good eyesight. My previous methods of guessing, lying and attempting to bribe the invigilator came up fruitless, so I relented and bought prescription eyewear. And let me be the first to say it: these "glasses" really do improve your vision. Go figure.

But I digress. Now that I had in my possession a laminated picture of me and a bunch or numbers and shit, I now was on the road to getting my license. Only one thing was holding me back:

I had no idea how to drive.

To be continued...

HP's Online Help. Or, How I learned to Say "Fuck this, I'll just handwrite it."

2007-04-17T20:49:00.000-07:00

And today, I discovered that my lovely girlfriend's lovely Mac is confused by my HP All-In-One Printer.
I foolishly thought that a printer that boasted being 1,000,000% Mac compatible would be able to print Acrobat PDFs. Silly me.

Well, I assumed it was something I did wrong, so I went to the incredibly helpful HP online technician chat to find out the answer.
Here is the text in its entirety:

Rumer: Hello Patrick,
Rumer: Welcome to HP Total Care for All-in-One products. My name is Rumer. How may I assist you today?
Rumer: What is the nature of your problem?
Rumer: What is the nature of your problem?
Rumer: What is the nature of your problem?

You see, unfortunately the All-In-One may be compatible with Macs, but apparently their online help can only be used on Microsoft Explorer.

So, I moved to the other room, and to my PC. The following help helped me thus:

Rave: Hello Patrick,
Rave: Welcome to HP Total Care for All-in-One products. My name is Rave. How may I assist you today?
Patrick Allain: Hello. I had tried to connect from my Mac, but I could not, so now I have moved to my PC.
Patrick Allain: Now then, my problem is that my all in one cannot print Acrobat 6.0 pdfs on my Mac. Why?
Rave: Could you provide me a detailed description of the issue, which would allow me to understand the issue better?
Rave: May I know the version of Operating System ( Windows 98/Me/XP ) you are using?
Patrick Allain: OS X
Patrick Allain: A Mac operating system.
Rave: I understand that you want to print Acrobat 6.0 pdfs on my Mac Operating System. Am I correct?
Patrick Allain: ...
Patrick Allain: Yes
Patrick Allain: The operating system is OS X.
Rave: Patrick, could please let me know on which Operating System you want to print Acrobat 6.0 pdfs?
Patrick Allain: Mac OS X. Operating System 10.
Patrick Allain: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mac_OS_X
Rave: I would be glad to help you. However,we do not have chat support for Mac users. HP only offers phone support for Macintosh environment. I am sure you understand our limitations.
Rave: Moreover, the service engineers with phone support team are Macintosh OS specialists and have the expertise to assist you in this regard. You can call at 800-HP-INVENT or 800-474-6836. This support is available at the following timings:
Rave: -- Monday through Friday: 8am-midnight EST
-- Saturday: 10am-6pm EST
-- Sunday: No support
Rave: We apologize for the inconvenience and appreciate your cooperation.
Rave: Here is the link to contact the e-mail specialist:
Rave: http://welcome.hp.com/country/us/en/contact/email_1.html
Patrick Allain: Is there a Canadian help link?
Rave: Yes.
Patrick Allain: And it is?
Rave: Here is the link:
Rave: http://welcome.hp.com/country/ca/en/contact_us.html
Patrick Allain: Thank You. Goodbye.

In the end, I just dusted off my old dot matrix printer and let it shit out a spotty reproduction. It just goes to show you: Macs may be the best thing since Jesus invented ice cream, but the world is run by PCs.

-30-

Me Angry

2007-03-28T19:10:00.000-07:00

I just spent 40 minutes writing a long, clever, pithy blog entry, and this site went and broke down and would not let me recover the lost text.

So, instead, here's a cut-and-pasted curry recipe.

Squash Korma Curry
Ingredients
1 kg of firm textured squash, deseeded, skinned and cubed (Butternut, Acorn, Pumpkin)
1.75ml whole-milk natural yoghurt
100ml of water
3 garlic cloves, chopped
2 tablespoons of cooking oil
1 large onion, finely sliced
2 chopped red peppers
1 chopped green pepper
1 tsp ginger
Patak® Korma Paste
2 tablespoons of toasted almonds
Water as needed

Method
• Heat the oil on a medium heat in a pan and fry off the onion, garlic and peppers for 2-3 minutes. Add the curry paste and fry for a further 1-2 minutes.
• Then add the Squash and fry for 3-4 minutes to brown a little and coat in all the flavours. At this stage add 100ml of water and stir in until half has evaporated
• Now chop your almonds and mix with the ginger and yoghurt. Stir this mixture into the pan and bring to a gentle simmer.
• Put the lid on and cook till the squash is soft, about 40 minutes.
• Serve with rice
• Eat.

Peace, out.

For the Love of God, Help Me!

2007-02-14T10:14:00.000-08:00

We are moving, Rachel & I at the end of this week.

We are selling a futon & frame

http://vancouver.craigslist.org/fur/278659639.html
and a bunk bed

http://vancouver.craigslist.org/fur/278659785.html
for $50 each, no reasonable offer refused.

So that said, here is the link to the craisglist ads. Please reply through them if you are interested.

Chris: TransLink's Ambassador to the World

2007-02-08T20:02:00.000-08:00

If you use the Greater Vancouver Transit Authority, better known as TransLink (which in turn is also known as Coast Mountain Bus Company which used to be called BC Transit, but they changed the name to avoid confusion), then you may already be familiar with "Chris."
For those of you who haven't had the pleasure, Chris is TransLink's automated customer telephone automaton. When a human operator is busy or off duty, you get this maddeningly polite, infuriatingly useless machine to "help" you find bus routes and timetables.

I have tried to get information from this Borg Queen several times, all to no avail. Although, it's true that my girlfriend's son has learned all sorts of useful profanities listening to my conversations with Chris, ultimately, Chris is only slightly less helpful than a waterproof tea bag. Here is a brief transcript of a conversation between me and "her":

*BING BING BONG*

Chris: I'm CHRIS! All of my colleagues are busy with other customers right now, but I can help you!

Me: Hi, I need a bus to the air...

C: You can help me out by saying what you want! For example: If you need help with trip planning, say "trip planning"!

Me: I said I need to get a bus to the airport.

C: I think you said... "get schedules." Is that correct?

Me: I don't know the bus, so how can I get its schedule?

C: I'm sorry, I don't understand.

Me: Fine! No, it's not correct!

C: I'm sorry, I don't understand.

Me: (The first of my many expletives.) I need a bus. A bus to the airport.

C: I think you said... "trip times." Is this correct?

Me: No. I did not say...

C: I'm sorry. You can help me out by saying what you want.

Me: I already said that I need a bus to the airport!

C: I think you said... "trip planning." Is that correct?

Me: No! A. Bus. To. The. Aitport.

C: ... "trip planning." Is that correct?

Me: Forget it. I'll just call a cab.

C: I think you said... "trip times." Is that...

*click*

Coming Soon to Youtube...

2007-02-01T01:17:00.000-08:00

Soon you all shall thrill to the exciting new cooking show Cooking With Patrick!

Here's a brief preview...

If it didn't work, just go to youtube and search for the user name cleverpatrick.

Kisses.

The Hallowe'en Adventures of Sam Hain

2006-10-30T22:58:00.000-08:00

Hello and wlecome once again to my thrice-yearly addition to my blog. This time I'll introduce you to my new little buddy, Sam Hain the Hallowe'en mascot!

Rrrrr... Sam Hain hungry!!

Grrr... Sam Hain hate having to refer to self in third-person!

And name should be spelled Samhain! Illiterate blog writer make Sam Hain ANGRY!

Grrr,,, Sam Hain will make hurt puny blog writer!

Now Sam Hain relax with exciting episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation!

Happy Hallowe'en everybody!

The Bare Basics of a Good Kitchen

2006-09-14T22:32:00.000-07:00

Some of you that still hold out hope that I will frequently update this site (bless your deluded little souls) have exceptional culinary arts training. As such, you will find this article, at best, banal and at worst misinformed and downright ignorant.

But for the rest of you, here's a great, informative article about the very basics of a well-stocked kitchen!

It‘s the stereotypical bachelor’s kitchen: a jar of pickles with one gherkin remaining, a bottle of unnaturally yellow mustard, a can of non-stick cooking spray and a box of Hamburger Helper. It‘s an unfair generalization and it’ s a myth that the man of 21st Century has to shatter. It was partly my ability to bluff my way through the kitchen that scored me the woman in my life. So don't knock it until you try it.

A well-stocked kitchen is essential if a man living alone wants to be taken seriously. Just as a bedroom with mismatched bed linens and swimsuit pin-ups can scare off a potential date, so too can the kitchen mentioned above. But beyond improving your image, a well-stocked kitchen also has the added bonus of making your cooking better.

While cooking talent varies from man to man, there are some key ingredients no kitchen should be without:

- Cooking oil. This is the very core kitchen essentials. Any respectable kitchen should have at least a bottle of sunflower oil. It’s versatile, low in fat, and it has a neutral flavour that allows it to be used in everything cakes to black bean chili. For a slightly more-advanced oil selection, start with a good virgin olive oil, then work your way up to the more exotic grape seed, peanut, sesame and the like.

- Fresh herbs. In this day and age, it is far too easy to walk to the local market and get some fresh basil, rosemary or sage. Better yet, grow it yourself. Nothing improves a kitchen window like your own herb planter. While you’re at it, throw out the garlic salt and get yourself a garlic press.

- A good set of knives. Cooks, it is said, are only as good as their ingredients, and this also true of their tools. Every kitchen needs at least a chef’s knife (the large chopping blade), a paring knife (for those up-close slicing and dicing jobs), a bread knife (if you ever tried slicing a baguette with a butter knife you’ll know why), a heavy cleaver (for tough breastbones and recalcitrant turnips), and a vegetable peeler (which, as they say, peels vegetables). Of course a set of steak knives that all match is also good, but leave that for the well-stocked dining room article.

- Pots and pans. Some things are so obvious they are often overlooked. But in the case of pots and pans, a little attention to detail can go a long way. For the best range of cookery options, you will need at least the following: two saucepans; large and small (for everything from whipping up a gravy to heating up the canned soup you hope to pass off as homemade), a cooking pot (whether you choose non-stick depends on how much you like scrubbing off overcooked rice), a vegetable steamer that can fit in the cooking pot, a skillet (to sauté, flambé, and crush peppercorns), a cast-iron frying pan (it can go from browning on the stove to baking in the oven in two easy steps, plus it can protect you from cartoon cats and mice), a cookie sheet, a breadpan, and most important of all, a nice, deep stock pot (few cooking feats are more satisfying than making your own soup stock).
With these essential kitchen tools, a man can finally cast off the unfair stereotype of an inept bachelor that cooks eggs in the toaster and has Domino‘s on his emergency speed-dial. The only step left is to learn how to cook.

So Long Suckers!

2006-09-14T22:27:00.000-07:00

Well, after months and years of gnashing my teeth and general wailing about my lack of money, two great opportunities have appeared.
Whoo hoo! Read 'em and weep, suckers!

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Please reply to my private email zebrabill200d@yahoo.co.uk

Sir/Madam,

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To file for your claim, please contact our fiducial agent MR.Bill Grant, of
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Please note in order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications remember
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Furthermore, should there be any change of address do inform our agent as
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Sincerely yours,
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From Hajia Mariam
E-mail:hajiamariam_2@fastermail.com

Dear Friend,

Due to the sudden death of my husband General Abacha the former head of
state of Nigeria in June 1998, I have been thrown into a state of
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NOTE: PLEASE I WOULD WANT YOU TO REPLY ME VIA MY PRIVATE EMAIL ADDRESS:
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Just a Shout

2006-08-27T03:24:00.000-07:00

Today, after a huge drought between posts, let me just make a shout out to Sally and her frequent spam replies to my articles.

Fuck off, die, etc.

Have a great summer.

How I Became a Cyclist: A Memoir

2006-04-21T14:11:00.000-07:00

It was a day of dizzying highs and… dizzying lows. For this day, September 18, 2004, was the day I bought my new bicycle! I was thrilled! Indeed, the world was my shellfish. The girl had pursued for well on five years had finally relented to my charms. I was moving back to Vancouver (No Fun City itself!) after two years of self-imposed exile.

And I had a bike to navigate Vancouver’s numerous bicycle routes!

And then I ran over a thumb tack a flattened my front wheel.
I was undaunted! As it so happens, the town I lived in (Gibsons) had two things every budding bicyclist needed: a psuedo-militant hippie bicyclist community and public transit with bike racks!

It was setback, yes. But I was not willing to let a little thing like a flat tire deflate (ha ha) my enthusiasm. I was going to get it fixed. All I needed to do was get on the bus (with a bike rack, naturally!) and head up to the local bicycle repair shop.

As I grabbed the bike rack on the public transit vehicle (which has a bike rack), the driver was waving and frowning at me. Being dyssemic, I immediately assumed she was flirting with me, and I smiled at her, as I hooked up my tire-flattened new friend.

As I entered the bus, proud at my ability to read instructions and not breaking anything (anything too expensive, anyway), the driver must have been put off by my unresponsiveness to her flirting.

She then informed me that "bikes are not allowed to be loaded at this stop! You can unload here, but not load."

Perplexed, but undeterred, I simply gave her my neutral face expression (cluelessness), and she relented on her lecture.
"I'll let you do it this time," she informed me.

The ride was short. Luckily, the friendly-neighbourhood bike apothecary was no more than a five minute trek up the road. I exited the bus, disengaged the bike and waved a hearty wave at my new admirer. Her rolling eyes and her quickly driving away told me she would be counting down the minutes until I once again crossed her bus's threshold. The bike repair individual came with a glowing pedigree. "He's the only place in town," was the most-common recommendation.

As I entered he sensed that my bike was in pain. Quickly he was stroking and reassuring it, telling the bike everything would be all right. He looked at me disapprovingly, sensing my time as a cyclist was limited.

I resorted to my secret weapon: vague knowledge of peoples' passions and an ability to incite them. "Can you believe it? As I put the bike on the bus rack, the driver's yelling at me that I can't put it on at a rural stop!"

His suspicion of whether I was one of his kind wass quickly usurped by his righteous anger at the mistreatment of a cyclist at the hands of a motorist. I pressed on to reaffirm my allegiance.
"One day there'll be a Critical Mass on the Sunshine Coast. That'll show 'em."
He nodded solemnly. Only a person who cycles regularly would know the name of the Vancouver bicycle advocacy group. He smiled. Surely, I was one of his people.

Fifteen minutes later I walked out with a new tube in my tire and a patch kit in my backpack. Now, I thought, nothing will stand in my way. The world is mine!

I rode my bike home, riding on the right side of the road. Various belligerent vehicles passed closely and sped past when an opportunity to pass presented itself. From their glares and engine-revvings, I assumed they were jealous of my new bicycle. Pity those poor SUV drivers...

Coming soon… the story of how I got my Learner’s Licence.

A Day in the Life Pt. 2: Soup is Life

2006-03-19T22:25:00.000-08:00

A Disclaimer: You may be reading this wondering "if he hates the customers so much, why doesn't he just get another job?"

Well that's where you have me wrong. I never once claimed to dislike the customers at my job. There are many customers whom I am pleased to serve. Many more customers fall into this category that the "problem customer."

However, there are some people who break the whole unwritten social contract between the customer and the service provider. Some people never learned that the world does not owe them a living, nor does it rotate around them. And it is to these customers that I dedicate this column.

------------

* 11:45- A customer asks where it is in the market that they throw fish. I patiently explain that they are thinking of Pike Place Market, which is some 300 miles south in Seattle. I suppose the confusion is justified, Vancouver does double as Seattle in many movies.

* 12:01- A busker angrily scream a song at his guitar. He's probably angry because it isn't playing the song correctly.

* 12:15- A customer is upset because we do not accept debit cards as a method of payment. His argument "everybody takes debit nowadays," is compelling but nevertheless fails to change this policy.

* 12:26- A customer quotes the "Soup Nazi." I silently add this to my running tally of times I've heard "No Soup For You!" So far: 2,186. I hope we don't owe royalties to Jerry Senfeld.

* 12:40- A customer asks what frozen soups we have available. After being directed to our list of frozen soups, she asks if the hot soups are available frozen.

* 12:50- 2,187.

* 1:12- A customer expressed her displeasure at our failure to accept debit. I offer to go to the ATM for her if she gives me her PIN. She declines.

* 1:15- Customer asks "is there seafood in the oyster soup?" I stand there in stunned silence.

* 1:22- I hear a mysterious grinding sound. Later I discover it was Ray Charles rolling in his grave because of the way a busker is savaging "Georgia on my Mind."

* 1:30- 2,188.

* 1:36- A customer complains "the oyster soup tastes fishy."

Such is the heady life of a soup monkey...

A Day in the Life Pt. 1: The Morning

2006-02-22T21:34:00.000-08:00

The life of a soup monkey has its exciting ups and downs, as you well know. Let me walk you through a typical day at my work.

* 11 a.m.- Arrive at work. It's 30 minutes until we begin selling soup tothe lunch crowd. Prior to 11:30 each day, we sell organic hot cereal. A friendly, helpful sign reminds customers "Hot Soup is Served 11:30 to 6 p.m." We hang this sign over the chalkboard that lists the soups available today.
* 11:03- A customer comes up and asks if it's time for soup. I patiently explain that it is not yet time for soup. To further illustrate this, I point at the Helpful Sign.
* 11:07- A customer cranes his head, attempting to look behind the Helpful Sign so that he can read what the soups AVAILABLE AT 11:30 are.
* 11:13- A tour group all arrive and swarm the counter. I silently wish I could access BabelFish, so that I could say "soup is served after 11:30" in German. (How do you say "Heiße Suppe wird nach eleven-thirty gedient"?)
* 11:25- The line grows long. The counter has three bain maries to hold the three soups of the day. They are empty. I am frequently asked if the soups are ready. The bain maries remain empty.
* 11:29- I idly wonder if they are really called bain maries or if I've got my culinary terms wrong.
* 11:30- It isn't an exact science. The soups sometimes aren't quite ready. Today, they are not out yet. The bain maries remain empty. Customers ask if they are ready yet. They tsk audibly, looking at their watches. This fails to makes the soups ready any faster.
* 11:32- The soups are out. The chalkboard helpfully shows the soups available. At the top of the board is the legend "Today's Soups."
* 11:32:01- Customer asks "what are today's soups?" I show the three soups available: The fish soup is Fresh Oyster Soup with Chipotle and Sundried Tomatoes. The meat soup is Morroccan Couscous in a Lamb Stock. The vegetarian soup is Black Lentil With Sweet Potatoes and Mint. Customer asks "do you have clam chowder?"

The day has begun...

Photo Credt: Julien Powell

A Belated Introduction

2006-02-21T09:43:00.000-08:00

It just suddenly struck me that I never even took a moment to introduce myself. Delusions of grandeur I suppose, I just assumed people would google my name and come here.
Well, let me start over again:

Hello there, welcome aboard.
My name is Patrick Allain. I live in Vancouver, British Columbia, known to many of its residents as "No Fun City." This distinction is rather apt, though I have to admit it doesn't have the name ring as "Hog Town," "the Big Apple" or "That Place That Has a Giant Ball of String." However, I have made it my personal goal to make this city fun again, one blog entry at a time.

And how, you ask, am I going to do this? I have no idea. Posting naked pictures of myself once I get around to buying a digital camera is one idea. Moving to Saskatoon might make the city more fun for everyone else, but we'll call that Plan B.

Anyway, until I move or start posting the nekkid pics, here's some of things I plan to post:

- Personal insights, and day to day anecdotes.
- Film, restaurant, event, and other miscellanious reviews to save you, the reader, from the sort of crap out there right now.
- War Stories from the front lines of the service industry.
- An indept look at this strange little burg that is purported to be not fun.
- And fun, innovative recipies (mostly stolen from other sources because its easier that way).

Sorry if you came here looking for porn. Maybe later.