Dispatches from No Fun City

If you use the Greater Vancouver Transit Authority, better known as TransLink (which in turn is also known as Coast Mountain Bus Company which used to be called BC Transit, but they changed the name to avoid confusion), then you may already be familiar with "Chris."
For those of you who haven't had the pleasure, Chris is TransLink's automated customer telephone automaton. When a human operator is busy or off duty, you get this maddeningly polite, infuriatingly useless machine to "help" you find bus routes and timetables.

I have tried to get information from this Borg Queen several times, all to no avail. Although, it's true that my girlfriend's son has learned all sorts of useful profanities listening to my conversations with Chris, ultimately, Chris is only slightly less helpful than a waterproof tea bag. Here is a brief transcript of a conversation between me and "her":



*BING BING BONG*

Chris: I'm CHRIS! All of my colleagues are busy with other customers right now, but I can help you!

Me: Hi, I need a bus to the air...

C: You can help me out by saying what you want! For example: If you need help with trip planning, say "trip planning"!

Me: I said I need to get a bus to the airport.

C: I think you said... "get schedules." Is that correct?

Me: I don't know the bus, so how can I get its schedule?

C: I'm sorry, I don't understand.

Me: Fine! No, it's not correct!

C: I'm sorry, I don't understand.

Me: (The first of my many expletives.) I need a bus. A bus to the airport.

C: I think you said... "trip times." Is this correct?

Me: No. I did not say...

C: I'm sorry. You can help me out by saying what you want.

Me: I already said that I need a bus to the airport!

C: I think you said... "trip planning." Is that correct?

Me: No! A. Bus. To. The. Aitport.

C: ... "trip planning." Is that correct?

Me: Forget it. I'll just call a cab.

C: I think you said... "trip times." Is that...

*click*

Labels: TransLink